How I found a childhood memory wreaking havoc in my now

Help! I’m called to be an Entrepreneur!

How I found a childhood memory wreaking havoc in my now

So here I was. I took the plunge. I incorporated a company called Creative Appnologies. And then…

…

Then I found a whole bunch of questions started to come up. Questions like:

-> Who am I?
-> What do I stand for?
-> Why does doing this matter to me?

I was so confused. I had been so clear about my calling. Yet in the ‘here and now’ I discovered an unexpected tension between the certainty of my calling and reality of walking it out. This tension was wreaking havoc in my now.

One area of tension stood out: A strange fear when acting upon opportunities I’d identified.

With a strong belief in being called to be an entrepreneur and investor, this was mission critical. I had to figure out where this was coming from.

Where are these questions coming from?

As I dove into this question, I found myself exploring a painful event from my past. It seemed innocuous — or at least of no great cosmic importance — yet within was the core of something which was wreaking havoc in my now.

So, journal in hand, and with a great deal of prayer and soul searching, I got to work.

The experience

The experience itself was benign. 11 year old me had made an investment in a company called Air New Zealand. I’d saved up (what seemed to me at the time) the vast sum of $500, and bought some shares. As this was my first time buying shares, I’d done it in partnership with a close family member.

Things started out well. The shares went up by around 20% over the next couple of months. I felt validated and proud of myself — like my hard work and early mornings had paid off. An Annual General Meeting was on the way and I was excited to attend to hear more about the future of the company.

However, things started to go wrong. The company went and purchased another airline, then called Ansett. Due to a number of reasons (which you read more about here and here), this turned out to a very poor decision, and the stock tanked. Shortly after Air New Zealand had to be nationalised by the New Zealand government to save it from going under completely.

My stock was worth virtually nothing.

Even more importantly, I’d strongly disagreed with the purchase of Ansett. 11 year old me thought “The original company has strong revenues, a great balance sweet and efficient operations. The company they are proposing to purchase seems opaque and less efficient. I’m not sure this is going to work.” Yet despite this strong conviction, I’d allowed the same close family member who helped me to purchase the stock to convince me to stay invested. And to stay invested even as things got progressively worse.

I was devastated. Crushed.

The Framing

11 year old me immediately framed this event as an epic triple fail. I told myself “You failed in making the investment. You failed in not selling the investment when Ansett was purchased. You failed in not getting out of the investment as things went from bad to worse.”

Over and over again, I told myself: “You are not capable of making investment decisions by yourself. You’ll always get it wrong.”

The impact on my sense of self was deep.

The Inaccurate Self Belief

Over time, this inaccurate framing had become a part of my personal belief structure. I’d see opportunities to invest, then be too scared to take the risk. I would constantly be in need of the approval of others.

This inaccurate self belief created negative spirals in my life. As I journaled I could see that it was almost like clockwork. First, I’d find an investment I was strongly convinced about. Then, I’d look everywhere for others to validate my thinking, paying particular attention to anyone expressing doubt. Next, I’d either not make the investment, or wait so long that the returns were negligible. Finally, when I either missed out on the opportunity or made less than I could have, I’d castigate myself for failing at the investment.

I also observed a recurring theme. My calling remained active, continuing to throwing up opportunities. However, because of the strength of the self-belief, even this was working against me.

The Impact

As I journaled, the tremendous negative impact of this self-belief became evident. I recalled times where my best friend and I had identified companies to invest in which I had talked myself out off — only for them to go up by several 100% in the next few years. I recalled the initial crypto currency boom. I’d waited so long to get into it, then procrastinated so long getting out of it, that I’d only made a marginal profit.

I saw the same pattern occur in friendships. Then in other areas of my life. Over and over again, pattern repeated.

And just like that, I realised that I’d found the root of this particular fear. Without even realising it, I’d allowed a childhood memory to critically frame my present. Now, it was wreaking havoc.

Where to next?

I realised that I needed to do something. Without an intervention, without a change in the framing of that experience, not only would I remain blocked and fearful, but things would continue to get worse.

And so, I started to reframe the experience.

Read in my next article how this reframing helped me to move past this blockage, moving me further forward in co-founding our company and achieving our vision.